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To get myself back
I'm lying on a couch with a portable keyboard staring at a screen in 30 point font about six feet in front of me. I came up with this brilliant idea after trying to write sitting at the desk and failing miserably to get into it. Not the desk, the writing. My parents have gone to a Shalom retreat, and I'm going through a whole lot of emotion around it right now; I'm imagining all the time what they must be doing at this point in the process. This could change our lives. I have no idea what it will do but I hope my parents come away with it with... a feeling of love and support that at least carries them a bit...

I'm trying to get my voice back. I'm resisting writing so a lot of resistance must be coming up in my speech, too. I'm constantly afraid of saying too much, of going too far, like last night -- it wasn't really a big deal -- when I was Skyping with Christi and we started joking about them chopping off my head for some reason and we joked about negotiating how that would happen, and we just carried the joke on for a couple minutes. They said, "Okay, now this is getting weird." Too weird for Christi is a lot. I don't think it was bad weird, but... I never know how far to take things. "Less is more," I remember LJ teaching me on retreat. Subtlety is key. I keep wanting to play with how far is too far, at the same time I'm scared of it.

I've asked Christi a lot of questions to get to know them and I keep thinking of new ones and it occurs to me that at this point in my life I don't have answers to so many of those questions myself. If there were ever a time when I couldn't figure out who I am, now is it. What are you passionate about? What are your deepest wounds? Whatever the question, for one reason or another, I often can't answer it. If I can't answer it myself, I figure it's not fair to ask it.

I'm in the house alone for days for the first time since I got back to Massachusetts. I don't quite know what to do with myself but part of me wants to try to write my way through it, to try to figure out who I am again, and what matters to me, and give myself a little retreat. I just can't stop imagining them and how they're doing at the retreat. Tomorrow morning they'll be eyegazing and telling stories about their lives, way more intense than the round of questions that set the container tonight. Yeah, what I want is for them to *connect* with people in a way they'd never been able to connect with people before. That gives me hope about healing this family, too. I almost can't believe they're actually doing it.

I talked to Chrissy last night for two hours on messenger after my 2.5 hour Skype chat with Christi. I really like them. I think we connected more this time than we ever had, and I expressed the desire to talk more and get to know each other better and they felt the same way.

I'm just afraid of everything falling apart. Not just the stuff that's already fallen apart, like my business, but... I feel so vulnerable right now, maybe I'm regressing to an earlier age in order to heal the trauma of that age. That's an interesting thought, hmmm, let me check in with myself to see if it feels true... this is definitely old trauma... I just don't want it to get in the way of everything now.

I'm feeling emotional as I write this. I tell myself there isn't anything more to write, that I don't know anything about myself, and I remember times when I felt myself so alive at the core, and I don't know how to get that back. My depression has lifted a lot over the past week. I'm getting excited about things again.

What is this shit inside of me? It's like I'm constantly afraid of being found out. Found out to be what, exactly, I don't know. Not worthy. That's probably the one.

There's all this energy in my body and especially bursting at my root chakra. My nervous system is just messed up. I'm really frustrated with myself because I can't figure out what to say, about this or anything else.

I hate talking about this kind of politics. But Bernie Sanders. That interests me. The possibility that someone like that could win an election just gives me hope that everything's not hopelessly rigged. But I don't get excited about it. I don't have that passion about things that I feel like I used to have. I've been thinking maybe the difficulty getting excited about things might have to do with the Geodon I'm taking. I feel like it numbs me in certain ways to such an extent that I can't do what I usually do -- which is feel into my body, emotions, somatic experience, and from that form words and sentences that express that. I feel like my capacity to form words went quickly downhill after I started taking Geodon. At first it was really nice, being able to sit with people without getting overwhelmed, but pretty soon I found that led to me not wanting to say anything or having anything to say. I'm wondering now if I can just, work on it cognitively, through all the YA fiction I've been reading and trying to write, like now. Maybe I can wake my brain up or something.

The thing is I feel so much trauma. That's what I'll call it unless it's just a doomed and fucked up energy system that I have for no reason I can comprehend. I'm feeling a lot of fear, about death, and I wonder if that also comes out of trauma. I remember my visions in Asheville. I had this insight at the time that we've been taught to fear death, be disgusted by death really, ashamed of death, but -- and I don't really believe this... I want to, but I don't always 'believe' my intuitions -- death is really this innocent thing. And it's some kind of past trauma, cultural trauma, that gets in the way of our seeing it that way. I get this intellectually and I get this intuitively, but I'm so far from actually believing it enough for it to have an effect on my energy system. Which it would, I'm sure, if I did believe it. There's a part of me that does believe it. Can I connect with that part?

I mean, like the ego is an innocent thing... (but then I thought, well, it is actually, but the ego tries damn hard not to let us see it that way when we're trying to get out of it).

So often lately I'm scared but I don't know of what. It's just this energy of fear that pulses through me. I don't know if there's any purpose to it. If I believe in purpose right now even. But that's why I'm writing...

I think it took me a while to realize this medication might be numbing me because I'm still *feeling* lots of stuff, it's just... not clear enough to be able to verbally express it. Which is too numb for me...

(no subject)
I don't know where to begin, but I realized today how much I'm repressing again, so a good writing would probably do me good -- especially since I'm resisting it. I'm back at the place of having a lot of trouble trusting that other people want to hear what I have to say, and also trusting that I'm creative enough to have anything to say at all. I highly suspect the Geodon I'm taking may have something to do with it. I want to stop censoring myself so much. I'm feeling a lot of intense fear energy, fear of mortality, just fear of... everything.

I'm terrified of writing. I don't know what's going to come out. I keep stopping and starting because I'm resisting something big. I've probably got to write and write and write and not censor myself for a long time before my energy feels like it's flowing again. When I am with words, writing them, reading them, especially especially writing them, I get into a flow. I don't know where that flow will go, and... there's this horrible fear inside of me, of writing too much, saying too much, and it's times like these that I remember that writing is helpful for me. It grounds me. It gets things moving again when they've been stuck, and they've been reeeally stuck. I've had a long exhausting day but this feeling of wanting to go to sleep that I'm having right now is not just that, it's resistance.

I fear people I love dying. I fear dying. I fear never finding the right relationship. I fear overstepping boundaries. I fear not measuring up. I fear people I absolutely adore and have unconditional love for, people who are not currently in my life... Aurilion especially... not remembering me as loving them. I fear that my love is not enough, that it's impotent.

Saying what I need to say.

Christi, is it okay that I'm still really shy around you and don't know why? Is it okay if I don't know much about topping and that I love to learn and want you to teach me? Is it okay that I have this really jealous and co-dependent relationship-scared part of me (though I recognize it and usually find the space to work through it)? Is it okay that I really like you but still can't find the words to tell you*what* I like about you? I need to tell you, I think you're an amazing being and I don't want to miss the chance to get to know you. I feel especially uncreative lately, I used to have fun writing and playing with words and right now that's not there, I feel like I can't be as playful because I'm not as playful with language, and I don't want to miss the chance to play with you.

Dating and Gender Outlawing
It's been a while since I managed to come here to write; it's been such a long week, with a five day date with Christi which was wonderful and at times difficult and confusing, and then a Gender Outlaws retreat where I just broke down in so many ways but also felt a deep sense of community and learned a hell of a lot about, well, talking dirty, being romantic, all these things that I feel uncreative about. I learned to say what I need to say, even if it's hard. If relationships end for me so consistently I think it's because I don't say enough, not too much. Right now I just feel scared and like I'll never be ready for this. For dating. For the sort of deeper connection that I long for.

Christi and I agreed to date officially at the end of my visit (they decided after taking a shower; we hugged on it, like some kind of business transaction) and now I'm like, can I do this, is it too much pressure, am I going to be disappointing, is this going to end before the next time I talk to them? I just try to remind myself that it's *casual* dating because I think I take it too seriously. Casual dating is maybe someone else's language for intentional friendship. But Christi says if you just call it an intentional friendship then it's unlikely to go anywhere.

LJ and others have helped me remember that if it doesn't work out, it just wasn't the right one, and... I'm kind of feeling all the stuff that goes with heartbreak before anything has even happened. How freaking gorgeous they are makes me nervous. I showed LJ some of their modeling pictures and they said, "That'd make me nervous." I've dated a lot of beautiful people but I don't think I've ever dated someone that was just so plain damn hot. Which brings up so many of my own insecurities.

It's hard to just feel the joy of the realization that someone really awesome has decided that they want to date me. I expect the worst with so many things; I expect people are just going to disappear from my life and I'll have no idea what the hell happened. I've been avoiding turning on my phone partly because part of me expects it to be over by the time I turn it on. I checked Fetlife and it looks like we're still dating on there but, damn, why do I get so expectant of everything turning to hell?

I'm planning on writing more through the next couple days. There are things I absolutely feel the need to do right now: walking, moving my body, writing, grounding. I'm kind of scared and don't know what will come out when I start writing, but I figure if I write down the stuff that's going on inside of me, that can only be a good thing. I want to write about all the learning I had during the Gender Outlaw retreat, and maybe a little bit about our date.

India, Christi and Adderall
I'm back from India, had my psychiatrist appointment, and wow, I didn't even ask for it and he hands me a prescription for adderall and... today was the BEST day I've had in a LONG time as far as mental health and such. I just feel such clarity that I hope will last, the ability to enjoy things that I've long since lost my ability to enjoy, like just sitting outside enjoying the birds and the fireflies and the breeze; it's like my attention wasn't there to appreciate such simple beautiful things. I watched several shows on television that simply fascinated me, either because they were fascinating programs (one a trans reality TV show called Becoming Us, and a couple things on the history channel about the history of heroin and marijuana... I was able to pay attention to it so I found it all so intriguing. What am I going to do now with my newfound superpower? I could maybe even start to read a book now. I already got done writing a really long letter to Christi and now I just want to come here and write more because the adderall high still hasn't worn off.

I'd been feeling blocked ever since I got home from India, like I couldn't even begin to write back to Christi suddenly, I had no idea what to say; I think I just needed a couple days to allow myself to have nothing to say and today, with the adderall, it all came and it was one of the most vulnerable letters I'd ever written to anyone. I didn't realize that I had feelings for Christi (I mean, I did, they were part of the reason I went to DC in the first place), but I didn't recognize it as anything but a possibility until they asked me out, and at that point I kind of spent the whole time in India crushing on them, which got me through some of the really hard scary times. Having two procedures over the course of the week rather than all at once like I thought it was going to be. India was an amazingly beautiful country and I regret that (perhaps because I didn't have adderall yet) I didn't feel well enough to spend some time there and travel, but I got my procedure done, and now something that has been weighing on me as a future "have to" for so long is in my past. I don't have to worry myself about it anymore. The strange thing is I've said for a long time that until I got this done I was going to push away anyone who was interested in me... and on the very day I go to India Christi asks me out. Synchronous timing. She calls me a kindred spirit, soon we were using the word relationship, and... I just started realizing all these things I knew intuitively about Christi that I didn't realize I knew since we hadn't actually talked so much and didn't know them that well in a lot of ways. But I knew there energy. They recognized my energy as soon as they saw me, too. So I wrote them about this and shared a lot of the most vulnerable stuff I've ever shared with anyone... and then I started reading back through their Facebook posts, a lot of which I'd never read, and I start confirming the intuitions I've been having -- the energy I read in her posts matches the energy I intuited, more so than I would have guessed... I just asked them if it was okay for me to share a *really* intimate letter. Just because I want to protect myself a little bit -- if that kind of depth isn't wanted I'll know before I send it. But I know they've said they strive to be open and transparent about everything and expects the same so... that's what I'm doing. I'm allowing the paradox of being scared to death of relationship and intimacy and commitment at the same time that I'm choosing to go deep into this one, as deep as we can go... with the intention of exploring and learning about and healing these blocks to intimacy... based on the philosophy that fear of relationship and such things gets resolved when we actually choose to have a conversation about that fear. That is just more fodder for intimacy. It's early on, I don't know where it will go, but I just felt really amazing writing this letter, about the way I felt connected when I was writing it.

Yet intimacy and wherever this might go is terrifying to me. One honest response to getting asked out might be, "I'd love to, but I'm not sure I know how?" And that's I think where I've started to share my fears and doubts and bring all that into the conversation. I don't know how to do this. I think Christi just might be one who could be patient enough to help. I think we both have intimacy issues that we're to help each other heal and learn from.

I miss India and have a hard time believing that I was just there; I was treated so well, and I seem to be healing quite nicely. My mother told me I'm the most courageous person she knows. Now I have thrown the biggest weights off my shoulders and perhaps I can fly.

Rebecca just sent me a nice note letting me know she has a lot going on and hasn't forgotten about me and wishes me happiness after my procedure. I am so grateful for Rebecca in my life. I want my mother to meet her, kind of like I wanted my mother to meet Aurilion; though Aurilion got upset at me about that, about asking so much of her; I wasn't asking anything of her that she didn't want to do, it was really that I was so proud of being connected to such an incredible soul and I wanted to share that joy, to proclaim it, to let the gratitude I felt spill forth... I'm nervous about Rebecca meeting my mother though. It's very intimate to let my mother in on this because Rebecca and I are very intimate friends, but I also want to, the more intimately I feel with someone. It feels nice to be able to talk about Rebecca and the kind of friendship we have, a little bit. I'd never been able to be so close to my mother in that way. This is getting so much better.

I went for a drive today for the first time in a month. It was the first time I've been able to. It was the first time I've been able to focus on things and... to feel like I can be a little bit productive. I feel so much hopeful about things now that I can actually concentrate on them! Like, the possibilities!

(no subject)

I'm in India getting the procedure done that I've wanted/needed for four years or so, so finally I am choosing to give myself what I need to be happy or at least not miserable and self conscious anymore, though it's going to take a while to start seeing results and I'm really nervous, especially about how to handle the awkward stage.

I've also been having deep conversations with Christi who has been so emotionally available. They asked me out the day I left for India and it was kind of perfect timing. I do feel a connection and I'm both excited and really nervous; I said a date would be nice and let's explore it. It might have to be long distance, which didn't work for them in the past, unless I want to try spending significant time back in DC again. I'm happy with whatever our connection becomes if we explore deeply and intimately and honestly but Im afraid what I have to offer, like not being able to be physically close to them, won't be enough for them... I want to enter into this without preconceived expectations. I'm realizing that pretty much every time I have a crush on someone it's mutual, though I often don't realize that until much later, because I'm so insecure and think no one could like me.

I'm just bored and healing from my first procedure. I have a second in a couple days. I'm just so nervous about how I will get through the awkward phase and how long before I'm finally free of this dysphoria. Also kind of afraid Christi won't like me anymore because of the awkward phase...

All in all I think the depression medication is helping a bit, and the talking with Christi has been very therapeutic. As was seeing Jon who did some subtle and I think powerful work to bring my energy field back into balance.

(no subject)
I've been teary-eyed all day. It's the first day I haven't taken estrogen in the morning so I'm trying that now. I've been drinking a bit (something I never do) and using marijuana when I have access to it, which is the one thing that seems to really give me a bit of respite from the weight of life. Today I had my first session with Jon in what, over a year? I came out feeling chills and weepy, and a lot of energy work was done, and we talked about what's been going on the last few months. Jon's perception was that the left side of my body and energy field is kind of just floating, like I'm dragging my left leg around almost, not really here; the receptive side of me. Then on the right side I'm sort of here, I'm sort of grounded but in a "Hmmmph, life sucks! What's really the point," kind of way. Jon put that well. That's how I feel. There's a part of me that's like if I can't have what I want then what's the fucking point? Also he perceived that my crown is kind of tilted, and some of our work will be to close that up; there's a lot of stuff hanging over my head that doesn't have to do with my brain but which he thinks is part of what's affecting the memory/concentration and such. It was a different kind of session. We talked and he sat across from me and just worked from a distance on my energy field. What I felt was subtle but I do feel the effect. There's all this old existential stuff coming up, this what's the point of living stuff, this old static stuff that is really really coming up now that I've hit these huge cosmic/astral energies over the winter. It gave me a moment to pause and to think that this is old stuff coming up to be healed and maybe maybe I'll be better off for it in the end?

When I got home I wrote a short letter to Kat. I don't think there's enough trust there on either side for a friendship; I certainly would have a hard time trusting her now, so I'm not looking for that. I really do think so much of what happened was on her, but I simply apologized for the way I may have been expressing myself since I was on the verge of a manic state, and I wanted to let her know, now with some distance behind us, that I care about her, that I did not intend the effect I had on her, and that I don't want to part ways in tenderness and not in resentment. I wish so so so much for the same thing with Aurilion, simply tenderness where I feel/fear so much coldness, but I won't be writing that letter, at least for quite a while. I don't know if I'll get that in either case. But it's something I hope for... but I guess I just needed to write it, if Kat never writes back, so be it.

I wrote to Christi and got a really significant letter back; it feels so good to write letters to friends especially when there is such a thoughtful response. It's both hugely therapeutic and connecting and I'm thinking of writing back tonight though I imagine that will take a lot out of me. There are others I want to write to, and connect with more, but I can handle a little at a time.

Spending a couple days with Rebecca was really amazing. She made me this vial with objects of significance like moss agate and crab claws and such and... the cork fell out, I need to replace that... but I want to wear it around my neck all the time. I feel so safe. Rebecca told me she thought I was like her good luck charm, at least until this weekend when her car stalled and we needed a tow and her dog Bella's collar broke at Whole Foods and she actually went inside the store before we called her out! But I told her, hey, at least I was with you when that happened, to help out, so maybe I'm still your good luck charm? I've told Rebecca she's like my protector. So was so fucking excited to see me and that felt soooo good. I would have never been able to get myself to take a hike and go swimming (took all my clothes off, felt brilliant) if I did not have her to come with me. She also gave me these yellow flowers, I think they're Lilies? But they're different than lilies I know. I think this time with her was the most flowing, the most natural of any time we've been together, and I wasn't expecting much considering my mood. She brought me joy, lifted me out of depression for just a little bit.

(no subject)

So many aspects of depression, or whatever I'm going through. Feeling like I have nothing inside of me, at least nothing useful to anybody else, and so I'm horrified in social situations where I'm actually expected to say something. I can't reveal that there's nothing there. I feel like such an automaton lately. Less spontaneous than I've felt in years. And about the possibility that I might inadvertently reveal to the world the emptiness I'm feeling inside, that they might find there's nothing substantial in this shell, I'm scared. I need to force myself to do/say something when I don't feel like doing or saying anything, even if it's not me, even if it feels like I'm a robot just saying stuff so I don't appear completely dead, which would freak people out if they knew and I'd be saddled with so many more problems. How long will this last? Social anxiety based on this not knowing who I am, based on not knowing what to say and hating to seem silent and uncreative and to offer nothing... has never been this bad.  I want to be around people but I just don't have anything interesting to say 90% of the time. This is how I felt with my ex partner at one point: having nothing to offer, nothing to say, yet wanting closeness, having no idea what that meant when I couldn't even find myself. I was just this void hoping I could still be loveable.

I'm amazed that I ever felt like I had any kind of skill at being in relationship. Any supposed skill now feels like bullshit, or wishful thinking. I'm just hoping my perspective is clouded now. Maybe there is something here... some redeeming quality... but it ain't here now.

(no subject)

The last few days, with an infection piled onto a growing depression, have been some of the worst in my life. I just broke down sobbing the other day because everything hurt too much, as much as anything in my life ever had. Time passing, taking a breath hurt too much. I didn't believe I'd feel even how I feel now ever again, but somehow (Ana and James mostly) I have a bit of perspective at the moment, and I have more faith in this moment that patience and a little support can go such a long way. I also made a list of everyone I know who can support me in some sense. It's a more significant list than I'd realized...

I think as soon as I start making connections in a place for whatever reason I have a tendency to run away. Or just leave for whatever reason. I can't think of specific examples but it feels true. I've been more successful making connections in Atlanta than anywhere else except DC... and yet I feel like I'm failing miserably. I have a lot of anxiety around where to go to find resonant people. When I rack my brain about it I can't think of anywhere which makes me feel I won't be making any more connections. Also I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I feel like in Atlanta I'm wasting away time and don't have the connections to be frequently nourished. It's like my real life is festivals and camps and conferences and this is just the boring in between where nothing happens. I don't know how to integrate the two, especially since Euphoria tickets seem impossible to come by this year. I was counting on that to help. I really want stability and the feeling of home with the right people, but also, I need the newness and excitement and growth that comes from travel. Atlanta hasn't clicked yet as a place where I might find that home feeling, that feeling of tribe I had in DC, though a couple of kindred friends could make it so. I really like Anastasia and don't want to be disappointed... I don't want to be so nervous that I screw it up... but I think I feel them as the sort of person that could make this feel more like home. I don't want to say that and mess it up though.

I'm writing short entries from my phone lately. Helps me keep to the point.

Disability housing and love
I'm weary tonight.

I had a beautiful 15 mile bike ride down the Silver Comet Trail. Though it was near 90 degrees, the humidity felt low, and I was really enjoying the warmth without the sweat. I wish it wasn't so far to get to the trail. I'd probably end up riding my bike nearly every day. I could scope out some relatively flat local roads, too, but I'm a bit nervous about road riding because on the one short ride I did down the street, I got honked at, the sort of honking that's meant to scare you just because you're on a bike. If I have to deal with that more than once every thousand cars or so, it's kind of not worth it, and the track record so far isn't good...

I probably could have kept riding indefinitely if I didn't have some place to be. Cosma wanted a ride to the Icarus Project meeting, so I took her, and I don't know what it is, but every time I'm in Little Five Points I feel ungrounded and lightheaded. I believe this was true last summer, too. In fact, I distinctly remember it. I don't know if the energy of the place is really weird and affects me in a strange way, or if my body just happens to be feeling ugh whenever I'm there, but it's annoying. Northampton used to do that to me too. I don't believe I've ever been in Little Five Points feeling good. I'm not sure if it's possible.

I'm not sure if the meeting was useful to me or not. I think over time it will be, but like a therapy session, it doesn't always feel good right away.

On the ride there I started talking to Cosma about not having heard back from anyone yet about the possibility of living at Kweer Haus, and we talked about how that space may be just a tad too extroverted for me. She said Wonky House is also looking for roommates and seems like a more introverted space. Rent is under $300 and it's a radical space and there are huge garden plots so, I'm going to look into it. But I'm kind of scared that there may not be spaces that fit. We talked about how even the most radical spaces seem rife with ableism and my heart sinks because it's too true. If I inquire about living at this place will I need to hold back as far as discussing my limitations in order to even have a chance? I need to be able to discuss my limitations if I'm going to feel safe in a place, but will I ever find something that way?

It's terrifying to feel like I can't be open about my limitations even in a radical community because, well, even those spaces don't seem to have a clue how to really deal with disability. There's this cultural norm that doing and productivity (and a certain kind of doing and productivity) is valued and most of us haven't begun to figure out how to unlearn that oppression and I'm so tired of that crap. Of everyone I know, James seems to be a breath of fresh air in this regard, just absolutely safe in ways I can't describe. I'm not sure I could be so lucky elsewhere.

Then at the Icarus Project meeting I brought up what was on my mind around housing and at least half the group or more seemed to share my concern. We spent a lot of time talking about it. Disability just seems to shrink our housing options to, almost nothing it feels like sometimes. A lot of them expressed similar experiences: I used to be able to find a place to live overnight, just jump on Craigslist and by evening I had a key. I used to be willing to live out of my car if I had to; now I'm a hell of a lot more picky about who I live with, which really comes down to who I feel safe with, and it's scary especially when I'm stressed and don't feel so resilient, I feel like there are no sanctuaries. Being trans and now needing to be open about being trans for my well being shrinks my options and then...

I can't help but think about my "looking for disability housing dream," and how relevant that feels right now. I intend to stay in Atlanta. I want to. I like it here. I've made a lot of connections. But the truth is, over the long term, if I'm not able to find what I need here, I may need to go where that's appearing to me, wherever that is. I need to do what's best for my health, whatever that is. I've chosen to stay but if something else appears I don't want to feel limited. Atlanta has already given me more than enough.

I went with Cosma and Lee and Jayda to Five Points Pizza afterwards. Cosma recommended the Hawaiian slice which was nice and big and I ate it with a knife and fork and it reminded me of being in Europe. I started missing Europe and the kind of connection I felt there. I was really quiet all night but I just enjoyed hanging out with people sitting around a table. I want more opportunities to do simple things like that. The thing with this medication is that, my social anxiety is better, but it's like I need to be around people more often in order to be okay.

We talked about some deep shit. Stuff that kind of made me feel hopeless about the world, and put me in the mind state of, what the fuck am I doing here? All the cards are stacked against us. I don't really like being the canary in the mine. I'm meant for love and beauty.

And love. Fuck, love. I'm way too tired to write well about this right now. I feel like my chance for love has passed me by, because I don't see anyone that fits, and I don't even know what someone who fits would even look like. How long do I keep fucking waiting? It's devastating, lonely. Makes me doubt what I'm doing here. I'm way too introverted, I'm way too trans, I'm way too.... gah. It's so easy to come up with all the reasons I'm defective. I don't want to get old without someone to cherish like that. I don't want to grow jaded and lose my faith in love. We went to this party at the mansion after sitting at Five Points Pizza and, it was kind of too much for me, I felt a lot of dysphoria, I started to count all the reasons no one would love me, all the ways everyone is too different from me to ever get me... so I drove home.

(no subject)
I don't feel rooted. I'm becoming aware that a lot of my anxiety and panic is around not feeling rooted. I feel like I've been uprooted one too many times and now it's hard to find safety in the soil. It's hard to trust that anything that takes root will survive. As soon as something does take root I question it. Maybe I'm feeling this so keenly because I'm at a sort of transition point in my adjusting to this place where my seeds are riding the breeze and I'm not sure if they're going to land and take hold but at least they're there. If the seeds weren't there, if some kind of ground weren't below me, then being rooted might not be a concern for me, so maybe feeling this way is a step in the right direction, a sort of necessary growing pain, albeit uncomfortable. It's like, now I have a general sense of the layout of the community, now how do I get more connected and integrated into it?

LJ asked me to be aware of the things I'm doing that help me to feel rooted, and I'm finding that kind of frustrating. The things that help me feel most rooted, I don't know how to find. I know some kind of caregiving like working with children or animals would likely make a difference to me, it's just a matter of having the energy and taking the initiative to pursue that. I discovered something about the possibilities last weekend, like the Atlanta International School, now it's up to me to make it happen.

The best thing I can think of would be going to some sort of class or group where we work on some kind of project together. I'd like to get more closely involved in activist circles around here, queer and immigration and sustainability type stuff, though I don't know where to start. When I got the registration email for Theater of the Oppressed this morning, it sort of solidified the reality of it for me, and spending five full days of training with other local people, playing theater games and learning creative ways to confront oppression, really feels rooting. That's coming up soon! I like having something to look forward to the next day. I just wish there was... more stuff like that. I think I would thrive on some kind of intensive training.

The other day I spent all afternoon and into the night with Lorenia. We decided to meet in John's Creek, about half way between each of us, but traffic was moving very slowly for me and almost not at all for her, so we ended up meeting at a Chipotle in Duluth. As soon as we decided that, traffic started moving a lot faster for her, and I ended up stuck in traffic and in an accident. I hadn't eaten all day because I was thinking I would have enough time to grab a snack on the road, but when I saw how traffic was, I just drove right through which, took well over an hour for a half an hour drive. I stopped at KFC for some chicken nuggets and while I was opening the mustard package in ravenous hunger I hit the car in front of me. It was barely a scratch, but... yeah.

Lorenia was incredibly patient in waiting for me, telling me Chipotle would be there forever, and joking with me via text message about how I was probably close enough that I could probably close my eyes and let the aromas guide me. I was scared she'd just get tired of waiting and give up on me. She made me feel I was worth her time, and that she wanted to hang out with me. I mean, we talked for hours at Chipotle and then went to an 8 pm showing of Cinderella. Her face just lit up during the Frozen part at the beginning, I couldn't help notice, it was sweet. I was about to say goodbye and she said she really wanted to sit and talk longer, so we stayed at the theater until it closed and she wanted to hang out even longer so we spent a few hours at Waffle House, talking about pretty much everything.

There's still a part of me that's like, this is some kind of a trick, people don't pay that much attention to me, something's got to give. It's hard to trust that I have an actual friend who likes to hang out and will give me attention and do things with me. So I tell myself, "This is what I want, a friend I can count on like this, but this isn't real, there's got to be a man behind the curtain, where is he?" And then I start racking my brain about what it would take to feel *real* rootedness, not this mirage of something and... I start to wonder if part of what it will take to feel rooted, as much as circumstances that encourage it, might be trust.

I was just about to write something about how part of the anxiety for me is a fear of scarcity. A fear that maybe I've already made as many connections as it is possible for me to make here. Which I guess on some level might be kind of silly because of the sheer number of people in the Greater Atlanta area but... there's a very real fear that I've sort of mined this place for all it has in terms of connection and that I'm unlikely to find any more. If I could trust that there were still people out there that I could make close heart connections with, and that it *will* happen if I give it a chance, I might relax and be a little more patient.

Just as I was thinking about wanting to trust in the abundance of potential heart connections, a phrase that I don't think about too often, the last person I thought about in that sense (who I tried to add on Facebook months ago) adds me and sends me a message: "Hi Lily, I am sooo sorry I didn't respond to your friend request- I have to be extra vigilant about who adds me, and I only just saw this message now. Damn! And yes you can join my tribe. ;)"

I added her because I wanted to try out the idea of adding someone intuitively based on sensing their energy. As soon as I did I saw her use the phrase "heart connections," in a graphic that is now her banner image: "So I want to have even more heart connections, intense discussions and coming home at midnight feeling euphoric." She described herself as looking for that, and I noticed she had an interest in sex positivity and spirituality and vulnerability. So the fact that she messaged me and added me at the very moment I was fearing the scarcity of heart connections and about to write about that... may be some kind of synchronicity, some sort of message.

Maybe I need to trust more. Maybe it will all be okay.