I'm back from India, had my psychiatrist appointment, and wow, I didn't even ask for it and he hands me a prescription for adderall and... today was the BEST day I've had in a LONG time as far as mental health and such. I just feel such clarity that I hope will last, the ability to enjoy things that I've long since lost my ability to enjoy, like just sitting outside enjoying the birds and the fireflies and the breeze; it's like my attention wasn't there to appreciate such simple beautiful things. I watched several shows on television that simply fascinated me, either because they were fascinating programs (one a trans reality TV show called Becoming Us, and a couple things on the history channel about the history of heroin and marijuana... I was able to pay attention to it so I found it all so intriguing. What am I going to do now with my newfound superpower? I could maybe even start to read a book now. I already got done writing a really long letter to Christi and now I just want to come here and write more because the adderall high still hasn't worn off.
I'd been feeling blocked ever since I got home from India, like I couldn't even begin to write back to Christi suddenly, I had no idea what to say; I think I just needed a couple days to allow myself to have nothing to say and today, with the adderall, it all came and it was one of the most vulnerable letters I'd ever written to anyone. I didn't realize that I had feelings for Christi (I mean, I did, they were part of the reason I went to DC in the first place), but I didn't recognize it as anything but a possibility until they asked me out, and at that point I kind of spent the whole time in India crushing on them, which got me through some of the really hard scary times. Having two procedures over the course of the week rather than all at once like I thought it was going to be. India was an amazingly beautiful country and I regret that (perhaps because I didn't have adderall yet) I didn't feel well enough to spend some time there and travel, but I got my procedure done, and now something that has been weighing on me as a future "have to" for so long is in my past. I don't have to worry myself about it anymore. The strange thing is I've said for a long time that until I got this done I was going to push away anyone who was interested in me... and on the very day I go to India Christi asks me out. Synchronous timing. She calls me a kindred spirit, soon we were using the word relationship, and... I just started realizing all these things I knew intuitively about Christi that I didn't realize I knew since we hadn't actually talked so much and didn't know them that well in a lot of ways. But I knew there energy. They recognized my energy as soon as they saw me, too. So I wrote them about this and shared a lot of the most vulnerable stuff I've ever shared with anyone... and then I started reading back through their Facebook posts, a lot of which I'd never read, and I start confirming the intuitions I've been having -- the energy I read in her posts matches the energy I intuited, more so than I would have guessed... I just asked them if it was okay for me to share a *really* intimate letter. Just because I want to protect myself a little bit -- if that kind of depth isn't wanted I'll know before I send it. But I know they've said they strive to be open and transparent about everything and expects the same so... that's what I'm doing. I'm allowing the paradox of being scared to death of relationship and intimacy and commitment at the same time that I'm choosing to go deep into this one, as deep as we can go... with the intention of exploring and learning about and healing these blocks to intimacy... based on the philosophy that fear of relationship and such things gets resolved when we actually choose to have a conversation about that fear. That is just more fodder for intimacy. It's early on, I don't know where it will go, but I just felt really amazing writing this letter, about the way I felt connected when I was writing it.
Yet intimacy and wherever this might go is terrifying to me. One honest response to getting asked out might be, "I'd love to, but I'm not sure I know how?" And that's I think where I've started to share my fears and doubts and bring all that into the conversation. I don't know how to do this. I think Christi just might be one who could be patient enough to help. I think we both have intimacy issues that we're to help each other heal and learn from.
I miss India and have a hard time believing that I was just there; I was treated so well, and I seem to be healing quite nicely. My mother told me I'm the most courageous person she knows. Now I have thrown the biggest weights off my shoulders and perhaps I can fly.
Rebecca just sent me a nice note letting me know she has a lot going on and hasn't forgotten about me and wishes me happiness after my procedure. I am so grateful for Rebecca in my life. I want my mother to meet her, kind of like I wanted my mother to meet Aurilion; though Aurilion got upset at me about that, about asking so much of her; I wasn't asking anything of her that she didn't want to do, it was really that I was so proud of being connected to such an incredible soul and I wanted to share that joy, to proclaim it, to let the gratitude I felt spill forth... I'm nervous about Rebecca meeting my mother though. It's very intimate to let my mother in on this because Rebecca and I are very intimate friends, but I also want to, the more intimately I feel with someone. It feels nice to be able to talk about Rebecca and the kind of friendship we have, a little bit. I'd never been able to be so close to my mother in that way. This is getting so much better.
I went for a drive today for the first time in a month. It was the first time I've been able to. It was the first time I've been able to focus on things and... to feel like I can be a little bit productive. I feel so much hopeful about things now that I can actually concentrate on them! Like, the possibilities!
- India, Christi and Adderall