I've been teary-eyed all day. It's the first day I haven't taken estrogen in the morning so I'm trying that now. I've been drinking a bit (something I never do) and using marijuana when I have access to it, which is the one thing that seems to really give me a bit of respite from the weight of life. Today I had my first session with Jon in what, over a year? I came out feeling chills and weepy, and a lot of energy work was done, and we talked about what's been going on the last few months. Jon's perception was that the left side of my body and energy field is kind of just floating, like I'm dragging my left leg around almost, not really here; the receptive side of me. Then on the right side I'm sort of here, I'm sort of grounded but in a "Hmmmph, life sucks! What's really the point," kind of way. Jon put that well. That's how I feel. There's a part of me that's like if I can't have what I want then what's the fucking point? Also he perceived that my crown is kind of tilted, and some of our work will be to close that up; there's a lot of stuff hanging over my head that doesn't have to do with my brain but which he thinks is part of what's affecting the memory/concentration and such. It was a different kind of session. We talked and he sat across from me and just worked from a distance on my energy field. What I felt was subtle but I do feel the effect. There's all this old existential stuff coming up, this what's the point of living stuff, this old static stuff that is really really coming up now that I've hit these huge cosmic/astral energies over the winter. It gave me a moment to pause and to think that this is old stuff coming up to be healed and maybe maybe I'll be better off for it in the end?
When I got home I wrote a short letter to Kat. I don't think there's enough trust there on either side for a friendship; I certainly would have a hard time trusting her now, so I'm not looking for that. I really do think so much of what happened was on her, but I simply apologized for the way I may have been expressing myself since I was on the verge of a manic state, and I wanted to let her know, now with some distance behind us, that I care about her, that I did not intend the effect I had on her, and that I don't want to part ways in tenderness and not in resentment. I wish so so so much for the same thing with Aurilion, simply tenderness where I feel/fear so much coldness, but I won't be writing that letter, at least for quite a while. I don't know if I'll get that in either case. But it's something I hope for... but I guess I just needed to write it, if Kat never writes back, so be it.
I wrote to Christi and got a really significant letter back; it feels so good to write letters to friends especially when there is such a thoughtful response. It's both hugely therapeutic and connecting and I'm thinking of writing back tonight though I imagine that will take a lot out of me. There are others I want to write to, and connect with more, but I can handle a little at a time.
Spending a couple days with Rebecca was really amazing. She made me this vial with objects of significance like moss agate and crab claws and such and... the cork fell out, I need to replace that... but I want to wear it around my neck all the time. I feel so safe. Rebecca told me she thought I was like her good luck charm, at least until this weekend when her car stalled and we needed a tow and her dog Bella's collar broke at Whole Foods and she actually went inside the store before we called her out! But I told her, hey, at least I was with you when that happened, to help out, so maybe I'm still your good luck charm? I've told Rebecca she's like my protector. So was so fucking excited to see me and that felt soooo good. I would have never been able to get myself to take a hike and go swimming (took all my clothes off, felt brilliant) if I did not have her to come with me. She also gave me these yellow flowers, I think they're Lilies? But they're different than lilies I know. I think this time with her was the most flowing, the most natural of any time we've been together, and I wasn't expecting much considering my mood. She brought me joy, lifted me out of depression for just a little bit.
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