I don't feel rooted. I'm becoming aware that a lot of my anxiety and panic is around not feeling rooted. I feel like I've been uprooted one too many times and now it's hard to find safety in the soil. It's hard to trust that anything that takes root will survive. As soon as something does take root I question it. Maybe I'm feeling this so keenly because I'm at a sort of transition point in my adjusting to this place where my seeds are riding the breeze and I'm not sure if they're going to land and take hold but at least they're there. If the seeds weren't there, if some kind of ground weren't below me, then being rooted might not be a concern for me, so maybe feeling this way is a step in the right direction, a sort of necessary growing pain, albeit uncomfortable. It's like, now I have a general sense of the layout of the community, now how do I get more connected and integrated into it?
LJ asked me to be aware of the things I'm doing that help me to feel rooted, and I'm finding that kind of frustrating. The things that help me feel most rooted, I don't know how to find. I know some kind of caregiving like working with children or animals would likely make a difference to me, it's just a matter of having the energy and taking the initiative to pursue that. I discovered something about the possibilities last weekend, like the Atlanta International School, now it's up to me to make it happen.
The best thing I can think of would be going to some sort of class or group where we work on some kind of project together. I'd like to get more closely involved in activist circles around here, queer and immigration and sustainability type stuff, though I don't know where to start. When I got the registration email for Theater of the Oppressed this morning, it sort of solidified the reality of it for me, and spending five full days of training with other local people, playing theater games and learning creative ways to confront oppression, really feels rooting. That's coming up soon! I like having something to look forward to the next day. I just wish there was... more stuff like that. I think I would thrive on some kind of intensive training.
The other day I spent all afternoon and into the night with Lorenia. We decided to meet in John's Creek, about half way between each of us, but traffic was moving very slowly for me and almost not at all for her, so we ended up meeting at a Chipotle in Duluth. As soon as we decided that, traffic started moving a lot faster for her, and I ended up stuck in traffic and in an accident. I hadn't eaten all day because I was thinking I would have enough time to grab a snack on the road, but when I saw how traffic was, I just drove right through which, took well over an hour for a half an hour drive. I stopped at KFC for some chicken nuggets and while I was opening the mustard package in ravenous hunger I hit the car in front of me. It was barely a scratch, but... yeah.
Lorenia was incredibly patient in waiting for me, telling me Chipotle would be there forever, and joking with me via text message about how I was probably close enough that I could probably close my eyes and let the aromas guide me. I was scared she'd just get tired of waiting and give up on me. She made me feel I was worth her time, and that she wanted to hang out with me. I mean, we talked for hours at Chipotle and then went to an 8 pm showing of Cinderella. Her face just lit up during the Frozen part at the beginning, I couldn't help notice, it was sweet. I was about to say goodbye and she said she really wanted to sit and talk longer, so we stayed at the theater until it closed and she wanted to hang out even longer so we spent a few hours at Waffle House, talking about pretty much everything.
There's still a part of me that's like, this is some kind of a trick, people don't pay that much attention to me, something's got to give. It's hard to trust that I have an actual friend who likes to hang out and will give me attention and do things with me. So I tell myself, "This is what I want, a friend I can count on like this, but this isn't real, there's got to be a man behind the curtain, where is he?" And then I start racking my brain about what it would take to feel *real* rootedness, not this mirage of something and... I start to wonder if part of what it will take to feel rooted, as much as circumstances that encourage it, might be trust.
I was just about to write something about how part of the anxiety for me is a fear of scarcity. A fear that maybe I've already made as many connections as it is possible for me to make here. Which I guess on some level might be kind of silly because of the sheer number of people in the Greater Atlanta area but... there's a very real fear that I've sort of mined this place for all it has in terms of connection and that I'm unlikely to find any more. If I could trust that there were still people out there that I could make close heart connections with, and that it *will* happen if I give it a chance, I might relax and be a little more patient.
Just as I was thinking about wanting to trust in the abundance of potential heart connections, a phrase that I don't think about too often, the last person I thought about in that sense (who I tried to add on Facebook months ago) adds me and sends me a message: "Hi Lily, I am sooo sorry I didn't respond to your friend request- I have to be extra vigilant about who adds me, and I only just saw this message now. Damn! And yes you can join my tribe. ;)"
I added her because I wanted to try out the idea of adding someone intuitively based on sensing their energy. As soon as I did I saw her use the phrase "heart connections," in a graphic that is now her banner image: "So I want to have even more heart connections, intense discussions and coming home at midnight feeling euphoric." She described herself as looking for that, and I noticed she had an interest in sex positivity and spirituality and vulnerability. So the fact that she messaged me and added me at the very moment I was fearing the scarcity of heart connections and about to write about that... may be some kind of synchronicity, some sort of message.
Maybe I need to trust more. Maybe it will all be okay.
- (no subject)