I'm in India getting the procedure done that I've wanted/needed for four years or so, so finally I am choosing to give myself what I need to be happy or at least not miserable and self conscious anymore, though it's going to take a while to start seeing results and I'm really nervous, especially about how to handle the awkward stage.
I've also been having deep conversations with Christi who has been so emotionally available. They asked me out the day I left for India and it was kind of perfect timing. I do feel a connection and I'm both excited and really nervous; I said a date would be nice and let's explore it. It might have to be long distance, which didn't work for them in the past, unless I want to try spending significant time back in DC again. I'm happy with whatever our connection becomes if we explore deeply and intimately and honestly but Im afraid what I have to offer, like not being able to be physically close to them, won't be enough for them... I want to enter into this without preconceived expectations. I'm realizing that pretty much every time I have a crush on someone it's mutual, though I often don't realize that until much later, because I'm so insecure and think no one could like me.
I'm just bored and healing from my first procedure. I have a second in a couple days. I'm just so nervous about how I will get through the awkward phase and how long before I'm finally free of this dysphoria. Also kind of afraid Christi won't like me anymore because of the awkward phase...
All in all I think the depression medication is helping a bit, and the talking with Christi has been very therapeutic. As was seeing Jon who did some subtle and I think powerful work to bring my energy field back into balance.
So many aspects of depression, or whatever I'm going through. Feeling like I have nothing inside of me, at least nothing useful to anybody else, and so I'm horrified in social situations where I'm actually expected to say something. I can't reveal that there's nothing there. I feel like such an automaton lately. Less spontaneous than I've felt in years. And about the possibility that I might inadvertently reveal to the world the emptiness I'm feeling inside, that they might find there's nothing substantial in this shell, I'm scared. I need to force myself to do/say something when I don't feel like doing or saying anything, even if it's not me, even if it feels like I'm a robot just saying stuff so I don't appear completely dead, which would freak people out if they knew and I'd be saddled with so many more problems. How long will this last? Social anxiety based on this not knowing who I am, based on not knowing what to say and hating to seem silent and uncreative and to offer nothing... has never been this bad. I want to be around people but I just don't have anything interesting to say 90% of the time. This is how I felt with my ex partner at one point: having nothing to offer, nothing to say, yet wanting closeness, having no idea what that meant when I couldn't even find myself. I was just this void hoping I could still be loveable.
I'm amazed that I ever felt like I had any kind of skill at being in relationship. Any supposed skill now feels like bullshit, or wishful thinking. I'm just hoping my perspective is clouded now. Maybe there is something here... some redeeming quality... but it ain't here now.
The last few days, with an infection piled onto a growing depression, have been some of the worst in my life. I just broke down sobbing the other day because everything hurt too much, as much as anything in my life ever had. Time passing, taking a breath hurt too much. I didn't believe I'd feel even how I feel now ever again, but somehow (Ana and James mostly) I have a bit of perspective at the moment, and I have more faith in this moment that patience and a little support can go such a long way. I also made a list of everyone I know who can support me in some sense. It's a more significant list than I'd realized...
I think as soon as I start making connections in a place for whatever reason I have a tendency to run away. Or just leave for whatever reason. I can't think of specific examples but it feels true. I've been more successful making connections in Atlanta than anywhere else except DC... and yet I feel like I'm failing miserably. I have a lot of anxiety around where to go to find resonant people. When I rack my brain about it I can't think of anywhere which makes me feel I won't be making any more connections. Also I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I feel like in Atlanta I'm wasting away time and don't have the connections to be frequently nourished. It's like my real life is festivals and camps and conferences and this is just the boring in between where nothing happens. I don't know how to integrate the two, especially since Euphoria tickets seem impossible to come by this year. I was counting on that to help. I really want stability and the feeling of home with the right people, but also, I need the newness and excitement and growth that comes from travel. Atlanta hasn't clicked yet as a place where I might find that home feeling, that feeling of tribe I had in DC, though a couple of kindred friends could make it so. I really like Anastasia and don't want to be disappointed... I don't want to be so nervous that I screw it up... but I think I feel them as the sort of person that could make this feel more like home. I don't want to say that and mess it up though.
I'm writing short entries from my phone lately. Helps me keep to the point.